State Assemblyman Michael DenDekker was walking around Albany one lovely winter’s morning on his way to saving orphans and rescuing abandoned animals. He stopped to buy a single carnation to put in his lapel and a copy of “House Beautiful” to get some ideas on how to decorate his living room. As he turned to leave the smiling bookstand owner, he was nearly run down by a bike messenger.
The bike messenger was dressed in all black and had a permanent 5 o’clock shadow to go along with his handlebar mustache. His eyes were bloodshot and his huge shoulders hunched over his bicycle handlebars. As the bike messenger careened down the middle of the sidewalk, he started to run down women, children and little yip dogs on long leashes. Oh, it was awful.
At that moment, DenDekker knew what he had to do. He would force every bicycle bought in New York state to be registered for an initial fee of $25 and then a fee of $5 a year after that. Then he would require all bike messengers to get a more expensive license that would cost $50 and force them to get casualty insurance even though their employers already hold casualty insurance for their bike messengers. It would be the perfect way to protect people from bicyclists.
Every bike would have to pass an inspection in order to get the license. So that means that you cannot just go to Walmart to buy a bike, and then ride it when you get home. You first would have to go to the New York state DMV to get your bike inspected and licensed. That new candy-apple red bike with the cool white racing stripes that little Jimmy gets for Christmas either has to be inspected prior to Christmas morning or inspected after Christmas before Jimmy can try it out. Better get it inspected before that first good thaw, or little Jimmy will be disappointed.
“Yes,” DenDekker thought to himself, “that will protect everyone from the evils of bicyclists.” Those kids who get their exercise from riding their bikes during the summer will just have to put a really cool-looking light and horn on their bike before getting it inspected. You wanna buy your friend’s bike from him for $50? Not until you transfer that license and get a new inspection.
DenDekker proposed his ideas to his colleagues in the Assembly and they thought it would be a great source of revenue for the state. DenDekker paused for a moment and contemplated. He never had given the revenue a second thought. But it was true. The politicians in Albany could use this as yet another way to generate revenue while systematically creating another reason for people to not want to move to, or stay in, New York.
It was at that moment that DenDekker realized the true brilliance of his plan. It was another way that the politicians in Albany could completely ignore fiscal responsibility by developing a budget that would help the state. Instead, they will just create a new stream of revenue. Now the Albany politicians could add more funding that would help keep bloated politicians’ salaries going up, add more personnel to the politicians’ staffs and make sure that the political machine keeps running despite school closings all over New York state, businesses leaving in droves and our infrastructure falling apart.
It was brilliant. DenDekker knew that the businesses and people of New York would not mind paying another useless fee, because it was all to stop those evil bike messengers. Businesses that employ bike messengers would think twice about being harbingers of evil if they had to pay extra for it. He sensed that he was doing a good thing for the state, and that the people of New York would embrace this wonderful idea.
As DenDekker started writing up his proposal, he started to think of other fees the state could institute that would help drive away people and businesses, and make New York state one of the least desirable places to live. Maybe a licensing fee for taking pictures? Every time you took a picture of anything, you would need to imprint your license number on it or you would get fined. Everyone knows how annoying pictures at a family gathering can be.
How about a tax on jogging? Those people are always getting healthy and running around showing off their physically fit bodies. They should be taxed as well to reduce how much New Yorkers have to look at those people.
Oh, it was all coming together. DenDekker and his colleagues started to get all kinds of great ideas to reduce the nuisances in New York state while systematically making this the worst state in the union to live in. The wheels have only started turning.
George N. Root III is a Lockport resident. His column appears every Wednesday. He can be reached at georgeroot@verizon.net.)
George Root
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George N. Root III is a Lockport resident. His column appears every Wednesday. Contact him at georgeroot@verizon.net.
ROOT: The wheels have started turning
- George Root
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ROOT: We should drop out of Electoral College
I find it hard to believe that, in this day and age of the Internet and message texting on every phone, that we are still sticking to the Electoral College and the misguided notion that the people in Congress work for us.
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ROOT: The wheels have started turning
As the bike messenger careened down the middle of the sidewalk, he started to run down women, children and little yip dogs on long leashes. Oh, it was awful. At that moment, DenDekker knew what he had to do. He would force every bicycle bought in New York state to be registered for an initial fee of $25 and then a fee of $5 a year after that.
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ROOT: The watchful eye of the Internet
Attention politicians and famous people: The world is watching you.
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ROOT: The Clint Eastwood Factor
I post a Clint Eastwood quote on my Facebook page every day. Everyone asks me why.
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ROOT: Fine, I’ll give my 2 cents
Maybe the high school needs $6 million more to make it just right. Maybe that $6 million should be spent on athletics. Maybe not.
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ROOT: Tale of the Monkey’s Paw
I made a New Year’s resolution to keep my desk clean. So far, the desk is actually organized and I have the necessary materials to get the rest of it under control. But my office is a mess
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ROOT: Thank you, Tom Golisano?
Will they sell? Won’t they sell? The Buffalo Sabres have been on the market since B. Thomas Golisano first realized that the team was worth more than he paid for it.
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Surely you can't be serious
was all set to write my first of four Christmas column this week, and then it happened. When it happened, I was instantly transported back to the first time I saw the movie “Airplane!”
It was released in 1980, and I was visiting a friend in Seattle. My friend said, “Hey, let’s go see this new airplane movie they have out.” I asked what it was called and he said, “Airplane!” So, I went. I never laughed so hard in my life. Some of the jokes went over my head at first. It wasn’t until I was 10 years older that I understood many of the more adult jokes in the movie. -
The roof! The roof!
They say the best way to get through a project is to picture the results. As I sit here looking at my family room, I can see the new paint on the walls and the new hardwood floor installed. I can see the reflections of the flames from the fireplace kissing the hardwood and making it look awesome. I can see new furniture in the fireplace room and imagine a winter of relaxing comfort.
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ROOT: Home improvement motivation
Most of the things the wife and I want to do to our home require a lot of work. Ripping up rugs, removing old wallpaper, putting up a coat of paint or taking down the lousy crown molding job I did 10 years ago cost little or no money, but they require a lot of effort and, well, there is a football game on television.
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