CRIB NOTES: Identity issues can create sibling rivalry

<!--Paul Lane--><table width="234" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" background="http://static.cnhi.zope.net/flashpromo/niagaragazette/images/byline_234x60.jpg" height="60"><tr><td><div align="center"><font size="3" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">By Paul Lane</font><font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></font><font size="1" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="mailto:lanep@gnnewspaper.com">lanep@gnnewspaper.com<br /></a></font><font size="1" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://www.niagara-gazette.com/blogs">Click for Blog</a></font></div></td></tr></table>

My brother and I have always been fairly close. When we were growing up, that bond was at least in part out of necessity.

We were born only 16 months apart. We were the youngest two children in our generation on our dad’s side of the family, and nearly the youngest on our mom’s side. Our sister is 4 1/2 years older than me, a big enough gap to prevent our social lives from connecting much once she entered high school.

My brother and I shared a room. We performed the same chores. We wore the same clothes. We looked the same ... well, actually, I looked GOOD, but you get the idea.

We weren’t even individuals. We were “the Lane boys.”

In spending one recent afternoon with just Rigby, I realized how hard it is not to fall into this grouping tendency.

Penny and Rigby are 18 months apart in age (to the day). They’re still years from going off on their own for the day, so they naturally spend most of their time together in our care.

One recent morning, their aunt and uncle offered them a trip to the movies (Penny went; I wanted Rigby’s first movie-going experience to be with Mommy and me — I’m sentimental that way). So that left Mommy and me with just Rigby for the afternoon.

It was fun ... but a little bit weird. Rigby played well by himself and seemed fine. At one point, I told my wife that I wondered if he missed his big sister.

Rigby’s pained cry and disgruntled face answered my question.

We then went out to lunch. We enjoyed ourselves, and Rigby had his every whim satisfied by doting parents who didn’t have a 2-year-old inquiring about more tomatoes or trying to pull ice out of the water cup.

As Rigby said “more,” got a bite of food, clapped and grinned, it hit me.

“I think he really enjoys having all the attention to himself,” I told my wife, who greeted my observation with a knowing chuckle.

And he did. He liked that we fed him on demand, held him by himself as he slept and played just with him for a few hours. For one of the few times in his 10 months on Earth, he knew what his sister’s life was like before he arrived.

It should be noted that this phenomenon works both ways. Heaven forbid Rigby catch Penny sitting on my leg while watching “Shrek” or us coloring together. Any such activity is met with a growl that indicates, “Hey, Dad, you have TWO legs, ya know!”

In any event, Penny and Rigby often find themselves lumped into a single entity. Not that this is all bad, mind you. Mommy and I like how close they are. Penny insists on play time with Rigby first thing in the morning, and each of them will look for the other when they’re in separate rooms.

But I know how it feels to, in at least some respects, lack for an identity. During my prepubescent days, I was quizzically pointed at by people at family functions so many times that I could have sworn my name was “Which One Are You?”

This particular offense, of course, is unlikely to happen in the case of two siblings of opposite genders (and if it does, Lord have mercy on the offender). But still, it’s nice to be Penny or Rigby instead of one of “the kids.”

Maintaining this would seem easy enough. Just give each of them some one-on-one attention, address their specific needs and personality quirks, and reinforce their worth as individuals.

Because “Penny and Rigby” has a far better ring to it than “the Lane kids.” I should know.

Contact Paul Laneat 693-1000, ext. 116,or paul.lane@gnnewspaper.com.

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