I notice things when I am out and about. The wife and I went to Applebee’s last week, and while we were there, we got to hear the waiters and waitresses singing “Happy Birthday” to some poor, unsuspecting victim on the other side of the room. The only way that could be more embarrassing is if they stood the guest of honor on the table and yanked their drawers down while singing to them.
So I looked at my wife with that look I get on my face right before I say something she already knows she is going to hate, and I say, “Oh! I should tell them it is your birthday!” All I got was a stern “No” and a look that had visions of nights on the couch and dinners consisting mostly of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in it. Maybe it was because it wasn’t her birthday. It gave me an idea I wish I had years ago. If you want to break it off with a girl but you are not quite sure how to do it, just take her to various chain restaurants and tell the maitre’d that it is your girl’s birthday. I figure that after two or three of those incidents she won’t want to go to dinner with you anymore.
See, I have lots of good ideas like that which never get used: like my ideas for effective cologne fragrances for men. I sent all of my best ideas to Mennen and they never responded to any of them. If a guy really wants women to chase him around like a pack of ravenous wolves, then his cologne should be the scent of a brand new pair of shoes, or the fragrance of a $500 coat that is 20 percent off (which makes it a great bargain for some reason) or the wafting aroma of a new winter wardrobe that she just had to have but forgot to mention until it arrived on the doorstep one day in several UPS boxes. This whole idea of having men smell like the bottom of every purse at the bingo parlor just doesn’t work. Give men colognes with real-world aromas to help channel the ladies.
I also think ladies could use a refresher course on mathematics, just to help with the household finances a little bit. For example, spending $300 on clothes that cost $425 before all the great in-store discounts does not save us $125. It still spends $300 that probably did not need to be spent. So you are not saving anything. But when I mention this line of reasoning to a group of ladies, I get the same look that you get when you try to explain to a 19-year-old who The Fonz is. Just blank stares.
I am just here trying to help. I want to help to bridge that gap between my generation and my son’s generation. The other day I set the phone in the house to ring like a normal phone. You know, rrrrrrinnng. When the phone rang, my son came into my office and asked me what that noise was. If it ain’t 50 Cent then it ain’t a ringtone. Know what I’m sayin’?
I love my Wii but I started to think of how full circle in the wrong direction we have come as a society. So now we need to create an interactive video game of tennis to get people to start playing tennis again? What happened to just grabbing a couple of rackets and playing tennis? I was in the waiting room at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. about a month ago, and the girl next to me was texting someone. At 6:30 a.m. And the person was responding to her almost instantly. I just had to ask who she was talking to and she said it was just a friend of hers. So I asked why she doesn’t just call her instead of texting her at a rapid-fire pace. She said that her friend was in bed and didn’t feel like coming to the phone to talk, so she is texting instead. Yeah, I had to stop and think about it for a minute as well.
So I just keep working on my helpful hints, and then give them to you guys. I have a Twitter if you want to keep track of what I am doing every single minute of the day. It is www.twitter.com/georgeroot. If someone starts to follow me, I may actually start to use it. Just another vehicle for distributing my great ideas.
George N Root III is a Lockport resident and noted expert on taking it easy. His column appears every Wednesday. He can be contacted at georgeroot@verizon.net. Join his Twitter page at www.twitter.com/georgeroot.
