Bill Wolcott
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WOLCOTT: Lost carbon-based man seeks silicon smarts
I think I’ve found the missing link to my problems navigating the 21st Century. I am carbon-based and just about everything I work with is silicon-based.
Having whizzed by biology scoring 65 with a circle in Mr. Tell’s sophomore class and getting an appropriate C in junior chemistry, it’s not surprising that it took me another blue moon to catch on.
Because most citizens born after 1976 secretly had silicon (not to be confused with silicone) implants. They intuitively know what button to push and how to thumb messages while eating dinner with the rest of their fingers. They are digital, these creatures 30 and under.
On Christmas morning, my son-in-law, Matthew Nelson, a Lockport lad, and my daughter, Sarah, carried two large rectangular boxes through the front door. The boxes were relatively thin, but could not squeeze through the chimney.
The gifts were an LG television and a glass table to fit in the corner. (LG, which was Korean for “Lucky GoldStar,” now means “Life's Good.”)
The table looked simple on the carton, but there were about 150 pieces to assemble inside. The TV was daunting. There were no dials visible, but a remote with 36 buttons. I was intimidated by the thought of all those silicon things in control behind the flat screen.
Somewhere, there may be a book of instructions that explains how to interface Direct TV with LG, but it’s not necessary for children with silicon smarts. They can always go online.
Within a few minutes, Matt had me watching something in high definition. Then he left for Lockport, leaving me with remotes in both hands.
However, I couldn’t get the TV back on. What I found is I had AVI-1 and AVI-2. You all know what that is. No?
AVI is an acronym for Audio Video Interleave. That’s a multi-media container format introduced by Microsoft as part of its Video for Windows technology. According to Wikipedia, AVI files can contain both audio and video data in a file container that allows synchronous audio-with-video playback. AVI files support multiple streaming audio and video, although these features are seldom used
That didn’t clear things up.
With two remotes in my hands with about 40 buttons to choose from, I decided to try the buttons on the TV. They had to be somewhere.
I looked below the screen for a secret passage. Nothing. I looked behind the TV and on top of the TV. Nothing. I ran my fingers down the side. Buttons!
No dice. The screen said “No signal” in high definition.
My dream was to get a picture before the Buffalo Bills scored a touchdown. With persistence and pluck, it was no contest. It was simple, use the Direct TV remote to turn on the power before turning on the LG power. Use the Direct TV remote to change the channel, but use the LG remote to change the volume. Make sure one of the contraptions is on Ch. 3.
Hmm. Which one is that?
I think I’ll leave work soon and start up my car with the remote — or maybe open the trunk or beep the horn.
Contact reporter Bill Wolcott
at 439-9222, ext. 6246.
- Bill Wolcott
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WOLCOTT: Porter Cup is a gift
Former Niagara Falls Gazette gophers get around. Ralph Vacciano is the New York Giants beat writer for the Daily News, but sometimes he wishes he was covering the Niagara Falls Rapids of the New York-Penn League.
Lyle Fitzsimmons, meanwhile, is a 22-year media professional who now makes his home in Florida and writes on many topics from many places. -
WOLCOTT: War is not a game, but there are continual replays
Bud Gordon of Barker was in Korea when the battle lines were moving daily and before the conflict became stagnant. Occasionally he is asked to speak to high school students about his experiences in 1950-51. He welcomes questions, but some can still surprise him.
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Lessons learned about politics and flour mills
I learned I didn’t know much about politics while looking for summer work between the junior and senior years at the University of Buffalo. The trouble was, I was a political science major and committed.
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WOLCOTT: Eclectic questions on music, baseball and Gelman
Given the opportunity, I would like to ask the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra’s JoAnn Falletta what kind of classical music I like. I think it’s baroque (1600–1760), classical (1730–1820) or romantic (1815–1910) and know it’s not Igor Stravinsky.
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WOLCOTT: Take heart — organ/tissue donation is part of me
I used to trust the government. Now, not as much. Partisan politics make me sick and I wonder how many of our leaders are allowed to think and act on their own. As an avowed extreme moderate, I try to see all sides and mostly stay out of it. Politicians, mostly lawyers, can make a good argument of either side.
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WOLCOTT: Millions for marketing, but not two cents for service
Lord knows I’m not a complaining guy. It’s my stoic Ukrainian blood and my stiff upper lip English roots that enable me stand patiently in the express line while the woman in front of me digs in her purse for a dime.
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WOLCOTT: Finding myself in a big bowl of Cyrillic soup
The Census Bureau offered census forms in English, Spanish, Vietnamese, Russian, Korean and Chinese on Saturday at the Ulrich Civic Centre during a census drive.
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WOLCOTT: Privacy prized, but there’s a bigger threat than the Census
Five young ladies in their late teens were relaxing at Reid’s, enjoying lunch on one of our pleasant March days. I asked their opinion on the 2010 Census, but they didn’t have any. They didn’t know much about the census at all.
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The surname’s the same, but are we related?
Norm Wolcott, a Harrison/Delphi retiree, found himself in the newspaper lately. The Royalton resident objects to Niagara Metals of Niagara Falls putting a scrapyard feeder plant on the edge of his property between Gasport and Middleport. Because we bear the same surname, folks for and against the proposed project asked if we were related.
- WOLCOTT: World War II vets have a way of being remembered After I interviewed Kenneth Moss at his Cambria-Wilson Road home for a story that’s coming in our Pride Magazine in April, he stopped me at the kitchen door.
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